A week from today is Thanksgiving, which means it’s time to start figuring out who’s bringing what to the socially distanced potluck. By now, most families are aware of each other’s specialties. But sometimes the menu changes when new people join the fold.
Planning our Thanksgiving festivities got us thinking: What would some of our favorite Miami sports stars show up with if we invited them to dinner? We have some guesses.
Duncan Robinson: Marshmallow fruit salad. Even though he’s one of the best three-point shooters in the game, people continue to sleep on Miami Heat player Duncan Robinson. So it’s only right that he would bring a side dish most scoff at, then end up eating more of than they expected. By the end of the meal, people would be asking themselves what that unicorn-colored concoction even was, just like a team that Robinson dropped eight threes on this season.
If marshmallow salad walked into a Thanksgiving side-dish pickup game, it would likely get chosen last, based solely on looks. Duncan Robinson knows a thing or two about judging a book by its cover.
Don Mattingly: Boxed mashed potatoes. Marlins manager Don Mattingly seems like the sort of guy who knows he has to show up to Thanksgiving with something but is ill-prepared to cook anything. He also seems like the sort of guy who still eats things he grew up on, even though he’s rich now.
Like instant mashed potatoes.
The fact that Don Mattingly would even put in the effort to microwave some butter and milk into powered spuds is enough for us. He’s MLB’s Manager of the Year. He gets a pass.
Tyler Herro: Collard greens. It’s a virtual impossibility that Miami Heat player Tyler Herro would ring your doorbell on Thanksgiving holding something that makes sense. He’s not your average 20-year-old from Wisconsin, so don’t go counting on him to bring roasted carrots to the party. Some incredible version of a classic soul-food dish — like collard greens with smoked turkey — makes sense, because you know someone along the way taught him well.
Everyone jokes that Tyler Herro is invited to the cookouts. I don’t think that’s a joke, though. It’s pretty clear that he’s been to the cookouts and picked up a few things that are pretty awesome.
Tua Tagovailoa: An imu smoked turkey. Miami Dolphins quarterback Tua Tagovailoa does not strike me as a man who does the bare minimum. He’s overprepared on the football front, so it would only make sense that he would come to your Thanksgiving with a whole damn turkey he cooked in an imu, a traditional Hawaiian pit. Why? Because to him, this is normal and wasn’t a bother at all. He’s just built differently.
Have you ever seen Tua’s parents? Do they look like they just let their son throw a football around outside on Thanksgiving? No — you can bet he was helping in the kitchen. Tua has brought fantastic football into our living rooms this season, so it only makes sense to believe he’d bring fantastic food into our kitchens.
Jimmy Butler: Snickerdoodle cookies. It would only make sense that the Heat’s Jimmy Butler skips straight to the dessert. This man doesn’t do a lot of messing around with mediocre things that live in the middle.
You can be sure Mr. Big Face Coffee wouldn’t show up with just one plate of cookies. He’d bring entire boxes of them so if you really liked them, you could purchase a dozen to take home. Annoyingly, he’d probably make the ones you actually buy smaller than the ones you ate for free at Thanksgiving. Because Jimmy Butler is a businessman.
Dwyane Wade: Wine. Have you been paying attention to Dwyane Wade’s first full year of retirement? It’s been one big alcohol- and hair-color-fueled celebration. From Zoom chats where he’s toasting a glass of wine with another celebrity to being featured in Bud Light commercials, Wade has been making up for all those years he had to stay sober and in shape.
We’re guessing if Wade showed up to our Thanksgiving, there would be a case of his signature wine following him soon. Even if you don’t drink wine, you’d drink an entire bottle if Dwyane Wade was buying.
Ryan Fitzpatrick: Chicken nuggets. If you look at Miami Dolphins quarterback Ryan Fitzpatrick, the first thing you might think he’d bring to Thanksgiving dinner would be beer. You’d probably assume he’d just want to be pointed in the direction of the nearest television set so he could sit in a recliner and watch the NFL games.
That’s all likely true, but he also has seven kids. Kids don’t exactly jump up and down for turkey. We’re guessing Fitzpatrick would show up with a Costco-size box of chicken nuggets, pour them on a sheet pan, then get to the beer and football while the kids cause chaos in the house.
Goran Dragic: Borscht. If Heat player Goran Dragic showed up to your Thanksgiving with a sour beet soup, you’d eat it. I’ve had borscht. It’s a food that’s a staple on dinner tables across Eastern Europe. Many love it. I wasn’t a fan! But if Goran brings it in a yellow Tupperware container for Thanksgiving, I’m eating it with turkey and stuffing and asking for seconds.
There is no scenario in life where I would refuse traditional Ukrainian food Goran Dragic brought to my home. He’s far too lovable to disappoint.
Manny Diaz: “Turnover chain” cupcakes. When it comes to Miami Hurricanes Coach Manny Diaz, you know a turnover chain is involved. The turnover jewelry is basically his entire personality at this point. It’s what he’s known for. We can definitely imagine Diaz ringing the doorbell on Thanksgiving while holding an oversize pastry box filled with cupcakes that have tiny turnover chains on them. You can never miss a chance to recruit!
Manny Diaz doesn’t strike us as the sort of guy who cares too much about Thanksgiving. But if he’s bringing cupcakes, he’s invited.
Pat Riley: Sausage stuffing. Anyone who knows Thanksgiving knows that stuffing is the actual star of the holiday, not turkey. Sorry, these are just facts. Turkey is overrated. It’s a day about the sides.
What better man to bring the dressing than Heat president Pat Riley? A steaming hot plate of sausage-and-sage stuffing seems like the perfect fit for the godfather of Miami sports. He probably knows Emeril Lagasse and could get him to cook a banquet tray full of the bready goodness.
Keep Miami New Times Free… Since we started Miami New Times, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Miami, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who’ve won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists’ Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism’s existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our “I Support” membership program, allowing us to keep covering Miami with no paywalls.